Just got back from the Newells’ house. Calliope and Piper are amazing together. They are about two weeks different in age, but they are so much the same and so much not the same. Its adorable and I fall in love again every time I see Piper. And its not like they see each other all the time. It is sporadic at best, but it matters not. I think they truly like one another, are drawn to one another. Calliope cried when we announced it was time to leave. She genuinely wanted to stay and hang out with Piper. It broke her little heart to leave.
Since last Tuesday, we have had just one email from Asia. It was one line and acknowledged that we were coming to New Orleans and that we planned to be there early in case she wanted to meet us. But that is it. Its hard to stay positive with such little communication. Its hard to be excited. Less than two days away, I will be on a plane to New Orleans and I am in denial. My mind doesn’t acknowledge this as “happening”. Well, wake up, because it is happening. Logically, I understand that this adoption is bound to be different than the first, but somewhere in the dark recess of my mind, I won’t let go. I need more assurance. To me, open communication leads to honesty and accountability. It makes me think of big corporations being “transparent”. It gives me faith that things will move forward with dignity. Things might not end the way I want, but there will be a discussion about it, understanding… and yet, I am getting on that plane come Wednesday morning. And I will press forward, hoping for the best. Even though the best might truly be that she decides to keep the baby. I want what’s best for Asia and the baby. Yes, I want a second child. Now more than ever. We even have names picked out. But not if it isn’t the right decision, the right time… And I can’t decide that. It is out of my control. Welcome to my rollercoaster.
In the end, Michael is absolutely right (when has he ever been wrong?) when the baby, whether it is this one or the next one or the next one, is in our arms, it won’t matter any longer. All will be love and no amount of anxiety or praying or anything at all will change that. Period.